Sunday, May 18, 2008
Darkness fell. Emme was sitting by the bay window watching the Sun close its eyes to her side of the world. A suffocating and gloomy summer day, she prayed the night would grant relief. She felt her mood begin to spiral once again. Darkness always brought sad tidings. The ebony night smothered her in its dark cloak, obliterating all light. She closed her eyes as a tear fell. Well, let it be. Be done with it and move on. Sometimes the more she fought, the worse it became and she had found over time if she surrendered to it, its stay was short.
She went to draw a bath. Perhaps a lavender soak would help. Aromatherapy always did. As she slowly poured the powder into the tub, she noticed an array of colors begin to turn the steaming, rising water into a rainbow of bright colors. Hey, maybe that was a good sign.
Fixated by the liquid, psychedelic painting taking place in the tub, Emme did not avert her gaze as she placed the lavender jar back on top of the sink counter. At once, a mirror went crashing onto the cold tiled floor. Pieces of glass now littered the floor. She bent down to pick up the shards and froze. How captivating! She studied some of its sharp edges. Funny, she never noticed how beautiful broken glass could be. She placed the geometrical pieces of glass side by side creating a cubist painting that showed her reflection in broken form - much like she felt now. She picked up a piece and studied it. She saw how smooth it was - as all things seemingly are in the beginning. Yet, the sides were rough, sharp - a makeshift weapon able to slice you to pieces. She likened the piece of glass to people - smooth, yet with sharp edges that belied true natures.
She looked for a piece with a sharp point. She studied it and knew it would do the job well - if she pressed it hard enough against the inside of her wrist, it definitely would draw blood. The darkness was toying with her again. The thoughts that invaded at times like these were frightening, but she learned not to run from them. She found they only had power if they sensed fear. She laughed. People always lived under the illusion that they were invincible. Yet, we are all only one breath away from death. One breath. She also knew that right now, she, and only she, had the power to determine whether she was going to live or die tonight. With the aid of one little broken glass. She began to laugh. So this is what it must feel like to be God. Well, she wasn't on that trip. But it was thought.
She felt her feet become wet. She turned around. She had forgotten about the bath and now the water had overflowed onto the floor. She quickly turned the faucet off and let some water drain. She picked up the broken pieces and wiped the floor dry. She climbed into the tub.
Emme laid in the tub for a while letting the water seep into her pores allowing the aroma to relax her. She watched the steam rise and begin to fog the shower doors and mirrors. She witnessed solitary drops slide slowly down the tiles to join their watery world. She inhaled the lavender letting it calm her. Trying to reach a state of nothingness was proving to be difficult tonight. Her monkey mind was scattering, jumping from one thought to the next, invading, all the while knowing they were not wanted.
She took another deep breath and began to concentrate on her breathing. She chose a word - water. Water was the perfect word as it calmed her when nothing else did. Like a mantra, she repeated the word over and over until her mind finally became still. Emme wombed herself letting the warm fluid cover her face. She stayed underneath as long as she could. When she finally came up for air, she felt better. Born in fluid, healed by fluid.
The calming water and the silence began to lull her into a deep state of relaxation. Tomorrow was another day. Perhaps tomorrow wouldn’t be so bad. A tear fell to join the accumulated tears she had shed over the course of her life and in which she was lying in now. A sob escaped her lips and she began to cry. Emme did not stop it; letting it out always made her feel better. It depleted her emotions that took hold leaving her with peace. She cried for herself and how far she had let her life go. As her own mother and lover, she did not always give her Self the best advice. Her depression, her constant companion, scared anyone who dared befriend her. But she was tired. She was weary of this life. She promised herself she was going to move on. Tonight would mark the beginning of her rebirth - right here in this water - a symbolic baptism of sorts. For she had kept company with this dark friend for too long and it had begun to ask more than she was willing to give. Tonight the friendship would be severed. Had she yielded to it, it would have preferred she severed her vein by a fragmented piece of glass - a messenger for a weak act waiting to be sated. Well, she was no coward. Not today. Not ever. She was tested tonight and she won. Tomorrow she would seek help.
Emme smiled and took a deep breath. Yes, she was moving on. She closed her eyes and took in the lavender smell. A bath always helped...and rainbows.
Posted by rebecca