Okay, so I get these photos in my email - you know the kind that circulates around the netsphere that one then forwards to friends and fam? - with a caption that read: HOW CUTE! I take a look, maybe one or two cute pictures in the bunch; the rest could be classified as accidents waiting to happen. *sigh* Truth be told, I lost my humor the day the kid was born. I've lived in a state of angst ever since then. Had I known 'the child' would promote such primitive human emotions - I'm speaking here of raw, uncontrollable fear - to such an unnatural and abusive level, I would have never had her. The kid created a lot of stress and all I ever thought about was keeping her alive and safe because I sensed danger at every turn. *sigh* yeah. I would've stayed a virgin and offered myself as a bride to God had my evil mother would have told me the truth: that I would never, ever be normal and happy and have a good night's sleep ever again. What did I ever do to that woman for her to wish me such ill? Seriously, the beloved would not have had a chance. That cute smile and the winks and come hither looks and sweet words that he bombarded me with on a daily basis would have not made one teensy-eensy dent. Those knickers would have been super-secured with a chastity belt. Not fallin' for you buddy, take a hike, you're bad news. But no, mother, evil monster that she was, led me to believe that this motherhood thing would be the greatest experience of my life. Really? I guess that didn't turn out so well, did it?
That the kid grew up normal (okay, normal is relative but she's a functioning adult and that's all I care about) and thankfully is not an outpatient in a mental institution proves that I did my job well. That and the fact that the beloved may have mentioned once or twice that if I screwed around with her head too much he'd do a very painful thing to me or force me to have another; I can't remember which one it was but neither option sounded pleasant so I pretty much stayed out the kid's way and that suited me just fine because the kid stressed me out too much. Whenever I was around her I was a walking tic - you know, uncontrollable spasms, non-stop twitching, muscles becoming contorted. *sigh* Yeah, not fun. But, seriously, what was the problem? That I happen to like a clean environment? That I happen to not like chemicals and sh*t that sear off your skin and can produce cancer in my house or anywhere near her? That I can see 101 problems right off the bat with a simple scene that may seem so innocent, ordinary and safe to the uneducated eye? That I happen to like a nice, clean kid that doesn't eat mud with a spoon or plays with bugs and keeps her room clean? That I prefer she not cry and whine and be happy with everything I say and every food I give her? Seriously, what's the problem?
So, I see these pictures and I'm still waiting for cute. Unfortunately, what follows were my thoughts: 
Oh, yeah, clear case of animal abuse. First you have the dog dressed in pink fufu clothes and then you have the kid chewing at it thinking its leg is a chicken bone. Next!
*sigh* Cute, but can we put a blanket under the kid? Just a thought: bugs and chemical paradise? You don't get nice green grass like that just because Mother Nature liked you and thought you were entitled to it. No, that's the product of scary chemicals that have warning labels against blindness and asphyxiation if you breathe it or touch it and such...so I'm just saying. Oh, and also, let the dogs know the kid is not part of their litter and they can now stop chewing on his ear. Next!
Sorry. Love the dog (very cute), love the baby (very cute), hate the dog and baby together. Uh-uh. Hell no! I love animals. All of you know how much I love animals but, Mother, that tongue is a personal cleaning tool that licks and cleans in places best not imagined. So, please, don't let the dog suck face with the kid. This is not cute. This is unhygienic! Next!
Okay, so who wants to take a bet that this fish is not going to last long? That is one cute baby up to no good! Hehe! And that cat's face is priceless. I really like this picture here, it made me laugh. Yes, this classifies as cute.
Breathe in, breathe out. Breathe in, breathe out. In a few years, Mother should consider feeding her kid a hairball controlling diet. Just saying. Their dander is in the air you know. Next!
Now, this is cute! Love the cat!
I can't breathe and I can't turn around! Mother, where are you? Hello? Next!
Cute family picture but put some clothes on the kid before you place him on top of the dog just so he doesn't get his little sensitive skin all rashy and sh*t. Dog is sweet, but come on. Thank you. Next!
Oh, yeah, friendly-looking dog and he looks real happy here. And putting a bucket on his head is not making him look any less threatening or cuter. Actually, I think you're pissing him off. Next!
Can I just say this picture makes me nervous? That dog sees a cat and guess who's gonna go flying? Okay, I can't take anymore. My brain is overstimulated and I'm hyperventilating.
So that's my take. I found a couple of cute pictures but the rest just made me nervous. I'm just glad my kid made it to adulthood and I can now concentrate on more important things....like me.
Thursday, July 23, 2009
motherspoof 101
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18 comments:
You know, I love a good dose of YOU in the morning! The best was the baby that can't breath - oh, wait... that came out wrong, but I'm sure you know what I mean.
;-)
It was the first thought that came to mind when the picture scrolled into view: Jeez! He's suffocating! Don't grab a camera, grab the kid!
:-D
(((HUGS))), mi Amor, and happy to weekend to you and your neurosis (tu sabes I mean that in the most LOVING and affectionate way!!!)
Love,
me
You're really funny, Rebecca! I had a really good laugh. Thanks! Love the notes--so true. Reading, I couldn't help but to think of my mother. How she raised 12 sound independent children alone makes me love her more and more. How she did so still amazes me. I wish she was here every day. She was extraordinary, though not perfect. Who is?
Yeah Rebecca, that's true, mothers are very much like that, I suppose they can't help it! Call it protection instinct, call it motherhood... my mom still does. I suppose it's a job for life! What would we do and where would we be without them?
I understand your point perfectly about the cute-enervating photos. They make me nervous too. I don't like babies and pets together.
Take care, and many many abrazos.
From a grandfathers point of view.
O yeah, kids are supposed to be fun. Your views as a mother is right on. At least in my view. Why O why did we have kids. Because someone wanted to be a mother ... I on the other hand was not sure about being a father. God, I'm glad that's over ... uh yeah right, over? Fool that I am.
Now we have 8 grandchildren within 7 miles of our home. That also means that both of our very adult children are within 7 miles. I think the latter still causes me the most anxiety. Well ok, they're all healthy and so on, but I may have babbled on without direction.
Pets and kids, not good.
I find babies scary - after surviving 2 of my own - I don't think babies are "so cute" - they are false advertisement :)Love my boys - but I am really happy the diapers are gone and the teachers have to take them for the most of the day :) God bless the teachers! Love your comments - very interesting blog!
I guess that secretly we all have a sick sense of humor. For example, when I watch American's Funniest Videos, I laugh the hardest when they play the sequences where people are falling, especially women. I am rather clumsy, so to see other women fall just gets me roaring! I know that in most instances, these people probably got hurt, but I still can't stop laughing. And nothing feels better to me than a good hard laugh:)
Pixie! Hola linda, como estas? Thank you! And, regarding the picture of the baby sleeping on his belly -- thank you! My sentiments exactly! LOL! My neurosis -- there was no way I would've escaped that, it seems to be imprinted into my DNA for some reason, some of the siblings and some nephews and nieces are just as bad (some even worse!) - but, you know, we all laugh about it and make fun of each other because it is funny and sometimes a bit off the wall but we can't seem to help it!!! And then yesterday I was watching The Doctors, this program where real-life doctors talk about medical issues and the topic was germs. Forget it. I learned so much but just added to my list of "neuro-science" - HAHA!! The beloved was just as skeeved but did not fail to add, "should you be watching this?" Yeah, and so the list grows!
((abrazos))
Judith: How true. None of us are and we do the best we can with what we been taught and learned on our own. My mother raised six and she was the sweetest, most loving mother ever and boy, let me tell you if I don't think of her all the time and wonder myself how she did it. My sisters were a handful to boot and she really raised us on her own because my father's job kept him away much of the time. But I was such a Nervous Nelly as a young mother and my mother was anything but. Nothing seemed to shock her or worry her. I guess with all those children, you've seen everything and after awhile it just because part of the norm. I thank God though that she was around for my daughter's formative years and was a very big influence on her.
Twelve? Double my household. Wow! I can't even begin to imagine. We were six and it was always so noisy and crazy I looked for a quiet space most of the time - I was so quiet as a kid I think my sisters' shenanigans scared me senseless! Hats off to your Mom.
Leni Amor! Isn't it hard, though? I think being a mother is one of the hardest jobs in the world and you never get to retire from it! My mother had a saying: little children, little problems; big children, big problems. And it is so true. My daughter is 30 but sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that she is no longer a child. I worry! Constantly! What time did she get home? Did she make it home safe? Is she eating well? etc. And, forget it, when I know that she's sick, there we go, the beloved and I (thank God she only lives five minutes away) bringing her food and spending time with her, taking care of her.... She loves it. Her friends tell her she's absolutely spoiled and they're right! ((abrazos amor))
Double D! That's the thing, it's never over! They then they procreate and bring forth more little ones for us to worry about! It's a vicious, vicious circle -- LOL!!! Darn these kids -- you can't live with them, and you can't live without them! =) But you gotta love 'em!
Ellievellie: Hi and welcome! False advertisement! HA! I love that!!! I'll have to remember that....
Sharon: You sound just like my daughter! HA! She laughs at all of this stuff and there I am in shock! OMG, he/she got hurt, Nat that's not funny...but she's laughing! And, then I start to laugh because she's laughing and wonder if I'm going to burn in Hell for it! LOL!
This post made me laugh. Well written and so true. Made my day. Great blog by the way. I like the way you write...
Hi Sean! Thank you and welcome!
Hehe . . . I had pretty much the same reaction to all those pictures as you did. (Except that second aquarium one looked photoshopped to me.)
Nice post.
My favourite picture is the one with the kid and the dog, is so cute.
You say you have 101 problems, but I wouldn t complain because it seems the great life you are living outweights them by far
I'm so laughing!Those pics are so funny and your comments too!Have a nice day!:)
I hear you, loud and clear :)
When others say they won't trade their kids for a million bucks, I'm always tempted to ask, "how about you trade him/her for a good night sleep?"
Hi Mariana: Thank you and welcome. No, I don't have 101 problems! What I said was that I can see 101 problems with a scene that looks so ordinary and safe to anyone else! HAHA! And, yes, I am blessed. Of that, I have always known. Thank you for stopping by.
Bonjour Candie! They are funny.....and scary!!! LOL!
Hi Mama Hen! Look who's back from her trip! Woo-hoo! Will swing by soon to visit, love.
Joe! The second one looks fake, huh! HAHA! Nonetheless, it's pretty cute and funny.
Rebecca - I honor your mother and your path as a mom. There was a lot of peace in our house, even amidst debates which we were fond of having on just about everything under the sun from sports to international politics to religion. We were required to think and respond. There were very little shenanigans happening in our house. (But kids will be kids and we were.) My Mom loved us incredibly, but some things she simply wasn't having it; anything that brought shame or disrepute was not tolerated at all. She never ever raised her voice and when she was tearing your backside up she spoke calmly, often with a tear in her eyes. This left me somewhat confused. But what I didn't want to do more than anything was to shame or disappoint her. We all thought this.
Talking about moms... a friend of mine just had a baby girl yesterday. She had a horrible pregnancy and finally had a cesarean section because the baby didn't gain any weight at 38 weeks. She's tiny, but incredibly strong. You should hear her cry to the top of her lungs!
And you should see my friend, her face radiates!
It makes me think of your wise mom's say: 'small kids, small problems; big kids, big problems'
For the moment, the problem is still so tiny and cute. ;)
((abrazos))
LMFAO! I am very glad your kid and you made through her growing up in one piece! :)
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