Wednesday, November 4, 2009

Lithium

Karma. I never used to believe. But now I do...

He hates me. It is evident in the way he treats and looks at me. I can see love has long departed the palpating chambers of his heart and he no longer considers me his own. He no longer bothers to find the emotion that currently disrupts my heart. My tears no longer hold equity.

I fell in love with him and his tender actions. I fell in love with his tender words that promised protection and eternal affection. I wallowed in the sunshine that had entered my life and rejoiced with wild abandon. I was raw and alive and wanted to experience anything and everything. I stopped sleeping and started living once again. He was my drug.

But then began the lies. Rumblings of accusations that something was awry. The lies he fed that said I needed help. Why would he do this? Didn’t he see how happy I was and how happy I made him? Why would he want to ruin the most wonderful thing each had ever experienced?

I stopped believing. In him. In us. I no longer believed in his words and he ceased to be my reason for living; he ceased to be my crutch. I withdrew. Days and weeks passed where not a word was spoken. Clouds already had made their way into my world once again and had returned with that constant familiar of hopelessness and despair.

He offered words of love; words filled with the fallacy of reason and hope. But I no longer believed. Instead I wanted apathy. Just sweet, disconnected apathy. The one emotion that had always been my loyal constant.

Leave
me
alone.

Slowly I began to teach him the nature of my ways and we became two strangers living in a house divided.

“Never stop loving me,” I would whisper tenderly into his ears late at night while he was asleep.

“Never,” I wished his heart would respond.

But it never did.

In time, he left, no longer wanting to enable, no longer standing sentry to my desire to self-destruct.

With shattered heart and hopes, he kissed our love goodbye. A tear, the only witness to the bond that once was us, escaped from the corner of his eye.

"I will always love you," I heard him say.

He hates me. The knot in my stomach tells me so. He doesn't know it yet, but he does. Of this, I’m sure. He no longer loves me or considers me his own. He no longer cares to find what emotion fills or riles my heart. My blood-shed tears having lost their equity. Karma, manifest destiny, call it by whatever name you desire, because in the end, that which I gave I received; in the end, I am once again left alone.

29 comments:

ThomG said...

wow, just some powerful stuff here. Deep, emotional, heaped in feelings. Thanks for sharing.

Loredana said...

Amazing, just amazing! The way you take the words and make them alive!!!

mark said...

Some of the lines sing, almost poetic in their structure and cadence.

Enjoyed this.

MichaelO said...

Very powerfully written, full of emotion. The heavy-metal title makes for a fulcrum for the emotional seesaw we ride in this story.

PixieDust said...

The back and forth, the love and hate - very powerful, mi amor.

When I opened your blog, and saw what was in store, I waited to make my tea first... and, no surprise, I forgot all about my tea as I became lost in your words.

:-)

(((hugs))),
love,
me

Judith Ellis said...

This is so beautiful, Rebecca. As I read I felt a steady calmness about this piece even amid the tumult of bare seesaw emotions. It is finally revealed as karma, the knowing that she already knows from the beginning represented in the matter-of-factness, the resignation, of the ending. I sense it beginning again. Can she dare to be different? Can she create a different kind of karma? Wonderfully, written.

Leni Qinan said...

Rebecca, have I told you yet that I just love your writing? This love-hate story with dashes of possession, contradictions, strong desires and so demanding emotions... are you aware of what you do to your readerships emotions when you write these wonderful paragraphs?

((mil abrazos and keep on writing as great as you do. The POD must be proud of you, but he surely hasn't told you yet, LOL))

Lori Skoog said...

Of course I would love this! Rebecca doin' her thing.

Valerie Wangnet said...

Tragic, poetic and above all GENUINE - these are what makes this peace beautiful

Double "D" said...

Wonderful writing.

I'm left speechless.

Tumblewords: said...

Powerful piece posed in poetic words. Excellent, as always.

Ms. Wanda said...

Love this piece and I love how you are able to let go.


xoxox
Ms. Wanda

lissa said...

I like your style, it's poetic and wonderfully fuel with emotions, it's pretty sad though

gautami tripathy said...

So much power..

flames of karma

rebecca said...

ThomG: Thanks. It's funny, but it all has to do with the 3WWW that are given. Sometimes they fail to work for me, other times they create stories without a problem. This was one of those times!

Loredana: Thank you, sweetheart! That's always been my goal...to make the words bring the story to life. ((hugs))

Mark: I love your comment! Thank you!

MichaelO: Thank you! I wasn't even thinking of Nirvana when I chose the title but of the drug for manic-depressives (which the character happens to be). But I suppose both the song and this piece speak of the same thing.

Pixie: Gracias amor! Glad that I was able to make you lose yourself for just a bit :) ((mil abrazos!))

Judith: Thank you, dear friend. I put myself in the shoes of someone who might suffer from manic-depression and what they may feel like. I don't know, but I hope I was able to capture it or at least give it justice. ((hugs))

Leni amor! What am I going to do with you? Stop it or my head will get so big I won't be able to carry it any longer! LOL! Do you wanna become President of my Fan Club...hehe! Mil gracias, amor, you're the best and you make me jump with joy! ((mil abrazos))

Lori: Of course! Hehe! Thank you, dear heart! You're too much. ((hugs))

Valerie: Thank you so much for that! I like genuine. That's what we always strive to aim for, right? Like that. Best,

Doug: Thank you, dear friend. How are you dear Sir? Hope everything is well with you. Will come visit soon.

Tumblewords: Thank you Sue!

Ms. Wanda: This is not a true story, Wanda. Completely fictional. But glad it struck a chord with you. Thanks!

Lissa: Yes, it is sad, isn't it? I assume for anyone who suffers from manic-depression, this must be what it feels like. I don't know, I can only imagine, but I hope I did it justice.

And to all...will come visit each and everyone of you this week....hugs and peace, Rebecca

Double "D" said...

Hi Rebecca, I'm glad I stopped by. Although a somber subject which I'm familiar with, the writing is just so beautiful. I really need to spend more time here.

I'm fine, not painting enough, no excuses though.
I'm just so impressed to find people with talent like yours. It almost seems like cheating since we get to read your words for free.

Fondly, Doug

Leni Qinan said...

LOL Yes, Rebecca, I'd be the President of your fan club if you had one. As a woman and a writer, I've learned many things from you, from your stories and your blog. And I'm really grateful. So you're allowed to blush and all, but you must realise you're a fine woman!

((again, mil abrazos))

Cal's Canadian Cave of Coolness said...

Yeh..it's a pretty great peice of writing. Broke my heart.

Candie Bracci said...

That was so intense Rebecca!Amazing piece of work!

Genie Sea said...

Would it do to record my standing ovation? I am a humble member of your fan base. I might have been awol, but I am totally appreciative of your considerable talents. :)

MichaelO said...

"I wasn't even thinking of Nirvana when I chose the title but of the drug for manic-depressives (which the character happens to be). But I suppose both the song and this piece speak of the same thing. "

Nor was I! I was thinking more of Lithium's place on the Periodic Table. Pardon my left brain for that. Cobain had his trouble with manic depression and were the root of the song, I believe. It is apropos.

Rose - The Center of My Self said...

This piece is another delicious meal you've served up, Rebecca, filled with subtle flavors, chewy textures, tastes and bits that make one pause to fully experience all that is served. I really could just eat those words of yours, so well-crafted and chosen. Emotions can be so hard to describe and we can so easily fall back on cliches, but you've created original, genuine descriptions of the euphoric and depressings feelings in this. Bravo!

Question: What is 3WWW?

rebecca said...

Doug! spend as much time as you like dear Sir, please! As creatives, I think we are always a little bit more appreciative of other mediums that are not our own (as I am with your watercolors and paintings, which you have such a gift for). My older sister who is a painter like you often says she wishes she could express herself through words like I do and I find myself often saying that I wish I had the ability to express myself through colors like she does. Needless to say, I am beyond terrible. Embarrassing really. Yet, it is something that comes so naturally to her as it does to you. In the end I believe whatever medium/conduit we choose to express ourselves in is not really of our own choosing; I believe it is our soul's own unique choosing of expressing itself. Glad you stopped by again, friend. Blessings and love,

Leni! Loca! LOL! You make my heart sing and smile you crazy woman! "A fine woman" - another little thing I should add to my resume, no? LOL! And you learn from me, huh? You are too kind here Miss Len, I think that the beauty of this blogsphere is that we come across writers who speak to our souls and we learn so much from each of them; we're all, to a certain extent, teachers in this realm. Your continued story at your site and your endless creativity has also taught me many-a-things and has given me much to think about. Muuuaaawwww! Besos y mil abrazos!

Cal: Thanks!

Candie: Merci beaucoup mon amie!

Genie: How are you sweet Genie? Hope everything is well with you. Miss you and will come over to visit soon. Miss reading your words. And thanks for the standing ovation :) ((hugs))

MichaelO: Of course I would miss the link between heavy-metal and the Periodic Table! I sucked in the Sciences. However, now that I think about it, Nirvana wouldn't necessarily be considered heavy-metal music, would it? Hm? Not doing too well in the music department either...but this, I should've known, music-lover extraordinaire I claim to be!

Hiya Rosie! 3WW stands for 3 word wednesday and it's a writing prompt site. Look over on my sidebar and you can link onto it. Thank you so much for those beautiful words Ms. Rose. They mean a lot. I will come visit soon.... ((abrazos))

Stephanie said...

Beautifully written, Rebecca, and sadly mirroring to some degree an experience or two of mine.

I may have to check out the 3WW. I've been needing some serious inspiration.

Jonas said...

This arrow of a post pierced straight through my heart.

Laura Hegfield said...

powerful writing rebecca...I long to know what happens next...how will she find resolution? Will this be a life long pattern or will it be a chance for t'shuva (return/change) to a healthier way of living...not destiny but opportunity for a true shift.

exquisite.

Penny said...

This is beautiful.

Lenora said...

This is awesome. A very emotional piece, well put on paper and glad you did.

Lenora said...

Ooops - the photos are Crete 1985 no 1995 :-) Did i say how well written your prose are - had to read it over again! So powerful and convincing.