Uruks, Arnold, Russey & Bog

I have these dreams. I have these dreams that are sometimes pretty funny and extremely convoluted. Where they come from, I don't know, but they sure keep me entertained and makes great fodder for stories. What follows is a dream I had ....*sigh yeah*

Middle Earth: I’ve been abducted and taken as a slave by a very scary, primitive tribe of huge, menacing-looking freaks that are about seven feet tall. Filthy and downright ugly are the adjectives best used to describe these lovely hunks. Think the Uruk-hais from the Lord of the Rings. Better yet, they are the Uruk-hais, hundreds and hundreds of them. But I’m not scared. In fact, I’m wondering how the hell I got here, quite nonchalantly I might add. I notice there are no women; I appear to be the only one. But for scary, menacing-looking, fear-enticing freaks, they treat me pretty decently because I'm left alone and thankfully not tied to some pole waiting to be the sacrificial babe to something bigger and uglier. That they can get any uglier I can't even imagine.

Okay, so now I’m working this wheel -- think Arnold Schwarzenegger in Conan the Barbarian where he’s pushing the Wheel of Pain. Yep, same wheel, except it’s not painful for me because next to me is a lovely, chivalrous wheel helper/slave Uruk-hai who happens to be very sweet. He is basically taking the brunt of the work. So, while I’m feigning to work the wheel so I don't get in trouble, I'm busy thinking of a way to rid myself of these beauty queens who seem intent on keeping me. For what, I’ve no idea, but I don’t want to stick around to find out why. But then my thoughts are rudely interrupted by my neighbor wheel-helper/slave Uruk-hai who tells me to pay attention to the Uruk-hai boss who has something very important to say. Except my new BFF doesn't actually form words, he grunts.....and I understand him. And then I listen to his boss grunt directions, and I understand him. Seems we're going to town. We're going to town to kill and pillage. But first we're going to befriend. Befriend, kill and pillage. Got it.

Cowboy Town: I've gone from an arid landscape bordered by mountains to a cowboy town, dry with tumbleweeds. Yep, makes perfect sense. I already have it planned that this trip to Marlboro Country will be my opportunity to escape. But first, I have to rid myself of my very sweet and kind Uruk-hai who appears to have an unnatural attachment to me. I conclude that the reason he was made a slave was because of his sweet disposition. His mother probably had an affair with some minor, subservient breed and that’s why they considered him defective. As scary looking as he was, he really didn't scare anybody. He just wanted to be friends with you. Boy, bet you his father was pissed off when the little sucker came out and all he wanted was a hug!

"Hey, Uruk look!" I point, "Some cute looking cowboys are winking at me. They’re hot!" I state a la Paris H. They’ve probably never seen a girl Uruk-hai before. I’m looking all wild and smoldering hot with my long, dirt-laden rasta hair and layers of ugly, dull clothes. Oh yeah, I'm so very attractive right now. I start fiddling with my hair and batting my eyelashes. They like that....oh yeah.

Uruk grabs my hand because I'm losing focus and leads me to the saloon to begin our befriending session. No sooner have the swinging doors hit us in the back, that I see we’re in an arena. Think ancient Roman arenas where slaves are thrown in with lions to fight to the death. Think Gladiator. Cowboy town to Roman arena. Of course.

I quickly scan the area in the back to see if there's an escape and find that there is. But first I have to nudge my way through the toga cheering crowd.

"Hey, Uruk look! There’s Russell Crowe!" Russey baby is fighting some lions at the moment. "Damn, look at those legs!" My mouth waters like one of those lucky lions in the arena with hottie Russey but too bad I can't stay and daydream of all the different ways I can have him use those legs.

Back to business. The toga-wearing men are eating grapes fed to them by the half-naked Roman floozies hanging all over them. God, have they no shame? But hey, I'm not here to judge, I need to book. They don't notice me and that's good. Check.

Commercial interruption. I wake up. I'm in need of hydration. Perhaps all of that wheel working in Middle Earth has dehydrated me. I drink my glass of water and go back to bed.

I fall back asleep. Guess what.....I'm back at the arena. I find my exit. I look behind me to see where sweet Uruk is and see him distracted by action in the ring. I scram.

A Bog, Present Day: It's dark outside. Wait a minute, wasn’t it just noon in there? I take a deep breath. Never mind. I am now facing a bog the size of a small lake. In order for me to escape, I have to cross it. There is no boat to make the cross and so I set on foot, the bog weighing me down. Finally I reach the other side and come upon a fence which I have to climb. On the other side is a deserted highway - the road to freedom. I climb over and begin to run.

I arrive at New Orleans. I run through the streets and find the steps that lead to an underground city. I run past one door after another looking for the right door to enter. I finally find it. I open it...

I’m back home.

*End of dream*