January 1

This is the year of the new me! I am psyched! I am pumped! I AM READY! This is the year of the oh-la-la!

Exercise: I joined a gym. Today was my first day. The aerobics instructor is awesome! She is gorgeous and really fit and really, really nice! She told me she was going to help me achieve all of my goals and show me just how much my body could do. Wow! How nice is she? I like this place. Nice people in this place.

However, I confess I had a bit of a hard time coordinating the exercise to the music though.  I approached the instructor after class and suggested maybe next time she could play some slower music for less vibrant folks like me. She laughed. Whatever. I’m still pumped. I’m psyched! I’m ready!

Diet: I had a bowl of fruits for breakfast with some yogurt. I had a salad for lunch and grilled chicken for dinner. Excellent!

January 2:

Pumped!

Exercise: Today the instructor had me do some weight training. It was hard but I did it! I couldn't believe how that skinny little thing was able to lift those heavy, heavy weights! Wow! She is so amazing! I love her! I want to look just like her. I did some upper body exercises and afterwards she had me go into the sauna to detox.  I got a little dizzy being in there but I guess when your body is filled with so many toxins, like my happy juice that I sip now and again and she frowned upon, she told me what else did I expect.  Uhh...what?  Was that a trick question?  I don't get it.  Whatever.  Well, call me stark naked mad cause next thing you know I'm being gently shaken awake from the sauna floor by none other than one of the male instructors. You know, one of the ones that look like Adonis, all pectoral-like? Well, I got even more hot and bothered. Well, he covered my oops-y naked body with the towel that had come off and lifted me up in his big, strong arms and took me out of that very hot place. I don’t think I’m going in that sauna ever again. It's a very dangerous place that sauna. Very dangerous. But anyways I think I managed to get rid of all the toxins today thank you very much. On the upside my Adonis, eh, I mean the gym's very professional instructor man, stayed with me until I felt better because I kept blushing and he thought I was still not feeling well. Well, I won't tell if you won't tell.  Hehe!

Diet: I picked up a big cannoli for lunch. Big. I hummed my way through the entire meal because when I'm happy I hum. This exercise thing is making me really hungry! But this is not cheating and it's okay cause I'm sweating it off. Boy am I sweating it off!

January 3:

I had a really hard time getting up today. I couldn’t move and lift my body off the bed. I had chest pains and was sure I was having a heart attack and so I called 911. They came and examined me and told me it wasn't a heart attack. They told me my chest muscles were sore from lifting the weights and advised me to learn to distinguish between the two and to never call 911 again for this type of nonsense. They told me 911 was for real emergencies or something like that. I thought that was very rude of them. Whatever.

Knowing that I wasn't dying, I made it to the gym anyways determined to stay on track. New year, new rules, new me! The instructor was waiting for me at the door. She's really starting to annoy me cause I think she’s taking this whole I’m gonna help you get there thing too far. Today she had me do aerobics and leg lifts on the weight machines! I felt I couldn't do it but did it anyways because to stand there and argue with her would take more energy than I actually had and I felt really weak and hurt and not to mention I'm hungry all the time, but she doesn't wanna hear it. She couldn't give two beans. That's what she said to me. I didn't think that was very nice but whatever. She didn't let me leave the gym until two hours later and when I left, those energetic, exercise weirdos were still there and I don't care what anybody tells me, they're on something. Normal people can't go for that long.

Diet: I was too tired to cook and so I stopped by McDonald’s. I got a Supersize Meal. I needed it.

January 4:

I think I’m sick. I don’t feel well. Everything hurts. I’m afraid to call 911 again because I’m afraid to get yelled at again. I slid off the bed and crawled into the bathroom where I slid into the tub. I turned the water on but because I was too weak to turn the knob quickly enough it scalded my chest. Now I have a burn that looks really, really red and hurts really, really bad but I won’t call 911. I don't think it’s an emergency but what do I know anymore?

Driving to work was very unpleasant. Everyone was honking at me and flipping me the finger because I was going so slow. My body, my mind, everything seemed to be on slo-mo today. *sigh* Wait till I feel better though, I'm not letting these rude, rude people get away with it. I can flip too! Yeah, my middle finger works just fine! Just not today. My hands hurt too much.

I called the instructor and told her I wasn't showing up today because I didn't feel well. She screamed at me and called me a loser and told me she expected to see my "lazy ass" in the gym. Can she talk to people like that? That's abusive.

I went to the gym anyway just to tell her off but I lost my nerve and instead told her to go easy on me because I wasn't feeling well but that I was there and that life is all about showing up, right? She told me to stuff my Hallmark sayings up the you-know-what and get my you-know-what on the treadmill. I officially hate that f*cking, skinny bitch. Great, now she's making me cuss. I never cuss. I'm a lady and look what she's making me say. I can’t wait to feel better because the first thing I’m gonna do once I can move my arms is beat the crap out of her. Gosh, I'm becoming violent too. I don't think exercise is supposed to be doing this.

Diet: Does crapola count? Crapola tastes good. I ate everything I shouldn’t have today but I don’t care because to deny my aching body of the things it craves right now is downright inhumane and it's all that bitch's fault.

January 5:

It’s official. I’m dying. I called work to say goodbye to my boss and coworkers. They told me to delay dying for now because they were very busy and didn't have time to go to my funeral. It felt nice to know somebody cared. They would actually go to my funeral. They're such nice people.

I then called that skinny mental patient and told her to go f*ck herself. I thanked her for trying to kill me and told her I wasn't coming in...ever. She yelled at me and called me all sorts of names but I didn't care. They’re just words. Blah, blah, blah. Ohhh, I’m soooo scared!

That demented bitch showed up at my house. I can't escape her. I called the cops.

They listened to my story.

They listened to hers.

She won.

I got arrested for f*cking around with the law too much or something like that and then she put up bail and drove me to the gym.

Tonight I’m setting that f*cking building on fire.

With her in it.

Yeah.