Cry Me A River

December 30th. The pressure is on. One more day before I have to hand in my resolutions for the New Year. The nice people here in the home tell me this is good for me. It keeps me filled with hope, they say.

They call me Pollyana because I'm always so cheerful and tend to see things in a half-full kind of way. So, I don't get why I need hope? Heck no, I got plenty of that! No, what I want are these:

I want to lose weight and look hot once again -


like when this picture was taken. Wasn't I hot? Hubbie thought so too. One look at me and he began to talk gibberish. I thought he was foreign; but it turns out his brain had short-circuited due to my unbearable hotness. But by the time I realized he wasn't foreign, it was too late - he already had turned me into...



...this. So I look a litte different. It's just 'cause I cut my hair. And hubby said I needed a new home to go with my new look. He said people were so jealous of my beauty, his job was to protect and put me away. Otherwise who knows what could happen. Oh, he's so good and kind, isn't he? And I can't complain 'cause he found me a real nice place too. Lots of people with unique personalities live there. And the people with the white coats, they're the best, they're always so nice to me and call me "special." I like that. And, hubbie, always so attentive, comes to visit once a year and sometimes brings his sisters to visit too. But they kiss an awful lot. Ewww! All I can say is that they're awfully friendly in that family!

And so I told him I wanted to climb a mountain -

cause ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough, to keep me from you, - that's a song - but he didn't like my song and told me to shut up. Oh, he didn't mean it. He's just misunderstood, that's all. So instead, I sang him Mr. Timberlake's Cry Me A River - you know with the high-pitch voice and all - and threw in some of JT's dirty, sexy moves to cheer him up 'cause, you know, I want to bring sexy back, just like Justin. Oh, he started crying he was so happy.


And I wanted to see him even more happy and so I showed him a picture of me that I found in a magazine. Imagine that, I said! He looked confused and I had to explain it to him. Oh, silly! No, this is not me now! This is me in my former life! I was some hot bitch, huh? He told me not to cuss because it was not ladylike and I assured him I would never! But didn't he see that I was a dog and I was a girl - so, hello! Poor thing, his little brain sometimes has a very hard time understanding things.


So, I told him not to feel bad cause I also wanted a bigger brain -


...like his brain. He said forget it. To ask for the moon instead. He said that would be easier. So I did. And he brought it to me that night and placed it right outside my window. Oh, he is just so wonderful, isn't he? But that wasn't all because he also left me...




this. A picture of my brother. At least that's who he said he was. I don't remember him though, but he said if I looked at him long enough that I would see the resemblance. And that he and I shared the same brain and it wasn't all that big to begin with. Oh, he's so funny! So, now I keep a picture of my brother on my bureau in the home and tell everyone who he is. The people in the white coats just smile and rub my arm all gently-like with very sad looks on their faces. Why are they sad? They shouldn't be sad. I have a brother!


But before he left we exchanged gifts like we always do. He asked me what I wanted and I told him -


that I wanted to spend New Year's Eve with him sucking face like we used to, like this picture of us here. Weren't we just sooooo in love? That was the day we got arrested because we showed our love just a little too much, if you get my drift. He-he! But, hey, I met some real nice girls that wore little, itty-bitty outfits and were so healthy they were just popping out all over. They were so nice. I liked them a lot.

But, *sigh*, he said our little dinner date would have to wait because he was busy. But he did bring me my present like he does every year. And every year is the same one: a beautiful, shiny, new fork! But this year he gave me two! Two! Imagine that! And, I, in turn gave him the only gift he says he wants from me each year: to stick my present in an outlet. And so I do. And that's how I get this real, nice hairstyle. Oh, that's him taking me back to my room. Isn't he handsome?

But, as it always happens, he then begins to cry again. He's so emotional, you know? I ask him why and he says I could never understand the depths of his feelings for me. That he loves me so much he could kill me in my sleep. Awww! Isn't that the sweetest thing you ever heard? And so to cheer him up, I started singing once again.... Cry me a river....

and threw in my Timberlake super-sexy hot move.

"And that's when he stuck the fork in the outlet, Judge, I swear."