Tuesday, December 30, 2008

Cry Me A River

December 30th. The pressure is on. One more day before I have to hand in my resolutions for the New Year. The nice people here in the home tell me this is good for me. It keeps me filled with hope, they say.

They call me Pollyana because I'm always so cheerful and tend to see things in a half-full kind of way. So, I don't get why I need hope? Heck no, I got plenty of that! No, what I want are these:

I want to lose weight and look hot once again -


like when this picture was taken. Wasn't I hot? Hubbie thought so too. One look at me and he began to talk gibberish. I thought he was foreign; but it turns out his brain had short-circuited due to my unbearable hotness. But by the time I realized he wasn't foreign, it was too late - he already had turned me into...



...this. So I look a litte different. It's just 'cause I cut my hair. And hubby said I needed a new home to go with my new look. He said people were so jealous of my beauty, his job was to protect and put me away. Otherwise who knows what could happen. Oh, he's so good and kind, isn't he? And I can't complain 'cause he found me a real nice place too. Lots of people with unique personalities live there. And the people with the white coats, they're the best, they're always so nice to me and call me "special." I like that. And, hubbie, always so attentive, comes to visit once a year and sometimes brings his sisters to visit too. But they kiss an awful lot. Ewww! All I can say is that they're awfully friendly in that family!

And so I told him I wanted to climb a mountain -

cause ain't no mountain high enough, ain't no valley low enough, ain't no river wide enough, to keep me from you, - that's a song - but he didn't like my song and told me to shut up. Oh, he didn't mean it. He's just misunderstood, that's all. So instead, I sang him Mr. Timberlake's Cry Me A River - you know with the high-pitch voice and all - and threw in some of JT's dirty, sexy moves to cheer him up 'cause, you know, I want to bring sexy back, just like Justin. Oh, he started crying he was so happy.


And I wanted to see him even more happy and so I showed him a picture of me that I found in a magazine. Imagine that, I said! He looked confused and I had to explain it to him. Oh, silly! No, this is not me now! This is me in my former life! I was some hot bitch, huh? He told me not to cuss because it was not ladylike and I assured him I would never! But didn't he see that I was a dog and I was a girl - so, hello! Poor thing, his little brain sometimes has a very hard time understanding things.


So, I told him not to feel bad cause I also wanted a bigger brain -


...like his brain. He said forget it. To ask for the moon instead. He said that would be easier. So I did. And he brought it to me that night and placed it right outside my window. Oh, he is just so wonderful, isn't he? But that wasn't all because he also left me...




this. A picture of my brother. At least that's who he said he was. I don't remember him though, but he said if I looked at him long enough that I would see the resemblance. And that he and I shared the same brain and it wasn't all that big to begin with. Oh, he's so funny! So, now I keep a picture of my brother on my bureau in the home and tell everyone who he is. The people in the white coats just smile and rub my arm all gently-like with very sad looks on their faces. Why are they sad? They shouldn't be sad. I have a brother!


But before he left we exchanged gifts like we always do. He asked me what I wanted and I told him -


that I wanted to spend New Year's Eve with him sucking face like we used to, like this picture of us here. Weren't we just sooooo in love? That was the day we got arrested because we showed our love just a little too much, if you get my drift. He-he! But, hey, I met some real nice girls that wore little, itty-bitty outfits and were so healthy they were just popping out all over. They were so nice. I liked them a lot.

But, *sigh*, he said our little dinner date would have to wait because he was busy. But he did bring me my present like he does every year. And every year is the same one: a beautiful, shiny, new fork! But this year he gave me two! Two! Imagine that! And, I, in turn gave him the only gift he says he wants from me each year: to stick my present in an outlet. And so I do. And that's how I get this real, nice hairstyle. Oh, that's him taking me back to my room. Isn't he handsome?

But, as it always happens, he then begins to cry again. He's so emotional, you know? I ask him why and he says I could never understand the depths of his feelings for me. That he loves me so much he could kill me in my sleep. Awww! Isn't that the sweetest thing you ever heard? And so to cheer him up, I started singing once again.... Cry me a river....


and threw in my Timberlake super-sexy hot move.


"And that's when he stuck the fork in the outlet, Judge, I swear."



28 comments:

Genie Sea said...

Oh MY Sweet Rubber Duckies! That is too damn funny. Woman! You need to put a warning up at the top of this post! Do not read while drinking hot substances! I am inhaling coffee now. Thanks. Thanks a lot! Hahaha. Okay I will cry you a river... sexy mama! :)

Suzanne Young said...

HAHA! This post just made my day! Hilarious!

And you know, I thought that was really you climbing the ice mountain... or making out with Brad Pitt...

Rose said...

Da-yam! You do loincloth so well! You know the woman's silhouette on trucker's mudflaps? Me. Yup. Suh-moking hot, like you. We shoulda done a calendar together or something.

Enough talk: I'm just gonna sit here and ogle that pic of JT ...

CoyoteFe said...

You know what? I think you consciousness (with or without the stream is a bit dangerous). You slay me! Next time hubby comes to visit, give him a cross-eyed grin for me.

The Real Mother Hen said...

WOW!
With this great attitude you have, you're going to sail through 09 like a piece of cake - you eating the cake while on a magic carpet ride that is.

Jane Doe said...

Oh my Goddess, that was hilarious! Thank you so much for the laugh! I hope that you have an awesome New Year's!

Jane

Leni Qinan said...

Rebecca, you really made me laugh. I remember that film "I love you to death" (Lawrence Kasdan's, with Kevin Kline and Tracey Ullman -she was so great there- and I nearly fell off my chair laughing).

Life together can be as surrealistic and hilarious as you wrote, yet love remains, which makes it even more unexplainable. But you gotta keep the flame burning. It's life, and it's hard work, isn't it? :))

Happy new year, honey. I admire your good taste for men -both hubbies and fantasized guys: emotional hubbies are cute. JTimberlake is too.

((Besos y abrazos))

rebecca said...

Genie: Oh, Genie, I had sooo much fun putting this together. Seriously, it began as a post of resolutions for the new year and it morphed into this! I just kept getting images of movies, actors, in my head and what they represented and it just took a life of its own -and me laughing all the way. Ha-Ha, I just quack myself up! Don't you love that - when a story just writes itself? It was fun. Glad you enjoyed it as much as I enjoyed writing it.

Sweet rubber duckies.....love that!

Happy New Year my lovely....

rebecca said...

Suzanne:

Welcome! Me, climb an ice mountain? Now that's funny! Replace the dog with a human body and now you're talking more along the lines of my taste!

And, eh, what do you mean that wasn't me with Brad? Hello! That's me! LOL....oh, these two are so gorgeous they should be locked up....they make the rest of us look like trolls....he-he!

Happy New Year Miss Sue...

rebecca said...

My dear Rose:

That's you on the mudflaps? Damn woman! Supa-hot! Oh, and I do loincloth so very, very well....on my head!

And stop ogling JT, you wanna get arrested? HA!

Oh, Rosie, my sweet, hope you a wonderful, delightful New Year.....

rebecca said...

Fe!

Happy New Year Coyote Mama!! Hope it was wonderful and lovely and spent in the loving arms of those you love.

I sat down to write something more serious and truthful and it morphed into this! I guess my mind had a different plan. Oh, I had sooo much fun! Poor hubby, he's a good egg though. He's so used to my weirdness by now that he doesn't even flinch....he-he! But it does keep him laughing!

Smooches -

rebecca said...

Mama Hen!

Oh, Mama Hen, if one doesn't laugh, one cries, I always say. So better to laugh, no? I had fun creating this, laughing all the way....he-he! It's great to just let the mind take you where it wants every now and again. It takes all the effort out of trying - and, whew, after the POD, I can use all the comedic levity I can get!

Hope you had a wonderful New Year you wonderful woman you!

rebecca said...

Jane:

Goddess, huh? Oh, yeah! Liking that! I'll have to tell hubby that he'll now have to refer me as such...this should be interesting.

My New Year was nice and quiet with my beloved and three cats (mine) and two dogs (my daughter's). We had a nice dinner with our hatchling and then she went off to celebrate with her beloved and I went home with mine. I was tired this year, for some reason. I just wanted a nice, quiet evening at home, under some nice warm covers watching a movie with my love and furry brood. And so it was. It was perfect. So, yes, for me, it was awesome!

Hope yours was wonderful as well, my sweet!

rebecca said...

Leni,

I Love You To Death! Yes! Oh, Kevin Kline, he is such a good comedic actor, isn't he? But did you see him in Life As A House? It was on a serious note and such a lovely, touching film. He can do both so well.

Though this piece started out as a serious piece....it quickly morphed into this! All I can say is that I had a lot of fun writing it! I kept getting images in my mind of stars and I just couldn't write as fast as I was thinking...does that ever happen to you? It was a good mental exercise that wrote itself!

Oh, hubby...pobrecito! He's such a good egg. Family and friends that are reading your comment are probably laughing because the man is so far from emotional....he's as stable as they come....it's me that needs to be institutionalized....he-he! But that's what makes it work, no? Differences. If we were all alike, how very boring that would be.

((besos y abrazos))

Leni Qinan said...

Kevin Kline is an absolute fav -I haven't seen 'Life as a house', but I'm adding this one to my list, together with Gael's-. I loved some of his comedies, especially 'Fierce creatures', 'Wild wild west' and 'In & Out'-. Hey, I'm learning a lot about movies from you. I love it!

Of course, I recognize this feeling you describe so well: a fit of imagination -it's one of the most wonderful feelings a writer (and you're a real writer, please don't say no) can experience-. One day, a zillon ideas started appearing in my mind so fast that I had to end up carrying a big notebook in my handbag to note them all down (I was afraid to forget them) and write the story as soon as possible. I still do this, I suppose some poeple think I'm weird when I say "excuse me, I have an idea I need to note down before I forget!". But that's me.

So yes, I understand perfectly well what you felt while writing this post. It's putting your imagination in words. It's the pleasure of writing. And it's such a rewarding effort!

Oh wow, I really thought your hubby was an emotional guy! (prolly didn't get the joke in the post, lol). But hey, don't let anyone institutionalize you, some inner chaos has its charm! And yes, I agree, I firmly believe the world would be boring without differences, and more than anything, love is an intense and amazing experience when you match the differences, lol.

((muchos besos y muchos abrazos)) ;))

Elizabeth said...

Unexpected surprise, therefore even more enjoyable. Laughed out loud, but also winced a time or two because I have known some women who are a great deal like your main character. Really good job and well done.

Elizabeth

Lori Skoog said...

Rebecca...after reading this post and all the comments, I think there is an Academy Award on the way.
Lori

rebecca said...

Elizabeth:

Thank you for your comment and thank you for stopping by.

rebecca said...

Lori:

Academy Award, huh? And I'd like to thank all the little people inside my head that keep me company all day. You think they'll let me out long enough to accept it? LOL!

Hope your new year is coming along splendidly. How are those beautiful horses of yours holding up with the weather?

xxoxx

Stacey @ Entropified said...

This is so good. Funny, yes, but sad too. I loved it.

The Empress said...

Loved this. Came over from TRDC. Very funny, but the germination from whence it sprang...sad. You know???

Over all, so sweet, and endearing. And could be me...

Sandra said...

This is brilliant! I came here to read your fantastic post through the Red Dress link up, and glad I did. Your mind is a very spectacular thing...plus I love games so I was having a blast trying to figure out who was who and where the pic came from! Thank you!

Kim at Let Me Start By Saying said...

Not guilty! lol

Patty said...

Oh my. I scrolled to the bottom and JT's pic before I read your post. Don't judge me, I always do that, you know, like reading the end of a book first?

No? You don't do that? Well crap.

Anyway...absofluckinglutely hysterical...loved it!

Katie @ Chicken Noodle Gravy said...

HA! I absolutely love this. How could you not love it? Hilariously funny and clever and just completely awesome. You had me guessing where you were going the entire time, and then, BAM! That last line. Ha!. Killer.

Literally :)

Thanks again for linking up with LALB! Loving your writing!

May said...

I am a sucker for a happy ending!


Would love to know what you were doing right before your mind took you on this little adventure! Too funny!

rebecca said...

Kim, Patty, Katie and May -

THANK YOU!!! Haha! This, believe it or not, was a stream of consciousness moment I had after lunch one day. It was written so fast, it was as if I couldn't type the words fast enough. It was a brilliant moment!

Patty said...

I loved the way this made me laugh when first I read it, love it still.

Thanks for sharing it again and making me smile.

JT is still smokin' hot...lolol