January 1:

This is the year of the new me. I'm psyched! I'm pumped! I AM READY! This is the year of the oh-la-la!

Exercise: I joined a gym. Today was my first day. The aerobics instructor is awesome! She is gorgeous and really fit and really really nice! She told me she was going to help me achieve all of my goals. Wow! How nice is she? I like this place. Nice people in this place.

I had a little bit of a hard time coordinating the exercise to the music though. Those girls can really move! Wow! I approached the instructor after class and suggested that maybe next time she could play some slower music for less vibrant folks like me. She laughed. Whatever. I’m still pumped. I’m psyched! I’m ready!

Diet: I had a bowl of fruits for breakfast with some yogurt. I had a salad for lunch and grilled chicken for dinner. Excellent!

January 2:

Pumped!

Exercise: Today the instructor had me do some weight training. It was hard but I did it! I couldn't believe how that skinny little thing was able to lift all those weights. Wow! She is so amazing! I love her! I want to look just like her. I did some upper body exercises and after that she made me go in the sauna to detox as well. I got a little dizzy being in there but I guess when your body is filled with so many years of toxins it’s to be expected. How embarrassing was it when I was woken from the sauna floor by no other than one of the male instructors. He covered my nude body - oops! my towel had come off! - and lifted me up and took me out of that very hot place. I don’t think I’m going in there again. It's a very dangerous place that sauna. Very dangerous. But anyways I think I managed to get rid of all the toxins today thank you very much. On the upside that hot instructor man stayed with me until I felt better because I kept blushing and he thought I was still not feeling well. Well come to think of it maybe it was because I told him I didn't? Oops! Hehe!

Diet: I picked up a big cannoli for lunch. I hummed my way through the entire meal because when I'm happy I hum. This exercise thing is making me really hungry! But this is not cheating and it's okay cause I'm sweating it off. Boy am I sweating it off!

January 3:

I had a really hard time getting up today. I couldn’t move and lift my body off the bed. I had chest pains and was sure I was having a heart attack and so I called 911. They came and examined me and told me it wasn't a heart attack. They told me my chest muscles were sore and tender from lifting the weights and advised me to learn to distinguish between the two and to never call 911 again for this type of nonsense. They told me 911 was for real emergencies or something like that. I thought that was very rude of them. Whatever.

Knowing that I wasn't dying, I made it to the gym anyway determined to stay on track. New year, new rules, new me! The instructor was waiting for me at the door. She's really starting to annoy me cause I think she’s taking this whole I’m gonna help you get there thing too far. Today she had me do aerobics and leg lifts on the weight machines! I felt I couldn't do it but did it anyway because to stand there and argue with her would take more energy and right now I feel really weak and I hurt and I'm hungry all the time, but she doesn't wanna hear it. She didn't allow me to leave the gym until two hours later. When I left, those energetic annoying exercise bunnies in their supertight little costumes were still there shaking their butts and I don't care what anybody tells me, they're on something. Normal people don’t act like that.

Diet: I was too tired to cook and so I stopped by McDonald’s. I got a Supersize Meal. I needed it.

January 4:

I think I’m sick. I don’t feel well. Everything hurts. I’m afraid to call 911 again because I’m afraid to get yelled at again. I slid off the bed and crawled into the bathroom where I slid into the tub. The water ended up burning my chest because I was too weak to turn the knob quickly enough. Now I have a burn on my chest that looks really really red and hurts really really bad but I won’t call 911. I don't think it’s serious but what do I know anymore?

Driving to work was very unpleasant. Everyone was honking at me and flipping me the finger because I was going so slow. My body, my mind, everything seemed to be on slo-mo. *sigh* Wait till I feel better though, I'm not letting these rude, rude people get away with it. I can flip too! Yeah, my middle finger works just fine! Just not today. My hands hurt too much.

I called the "instructor" and told her I wasn't showing up today because I didn't feel well. She yelled at me and called me a loser and told me she expected to see my "lazy ass" in the gym. Can she talk to people like that? That's abusive.

I arrive at the gym and tell that skinny bitch to at least go easy on me today but I was there and that life is all about showing up, right? She told me stuff my Hallmark sayings up the you-know-what and get my you-know-what on the treadmill. I f*cking hate her. Great, now she's making me cuss. I never cuss. It's not ladylike. I can’t wait to feel better because the first thing I’m gonna do once I can move my arms is beat the crap out of her. Gosh, I'm becoming violent too. I don't think exercise is supposed to be doing this.

Diet: Does crapola count? Crapola tastes good. I ate everything I shouldn’t have today but I don’t care because to deny my aching body of the things it craves right now is downright inhumane and it's all that bitch's fault.

January 5:

It’s official. I’m dying. I called work to say goodbye to my boss and coworkers. They told me to delay dying for now because they were very busy and didn't have time to go to my funeral. It felt nice to know somebody cared. They would actually go to my funeral. They're such nice people.

I then called that skinny mental patient that I hate so much and told her to go f*ck herself. I thanked her for trying to kill me and told her I wasn't coming in...ever. She yelled at me and called me all sorts of names but I didn't care. They’re just words. Blah, blah, blah. Ohhh, I’m soooo scared!

That demented bitch showed up at my house. I can't escape her. I called the cops. They listened to my story. They listened to hers.

She won.

I got arrested for “f*cking around with the law too much” or something like that and then she put up bail and drove me to the gym.

Tonight I’m setting that f*cking building on fire.

With her in it.

Yeah.