Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Just Your Local Friendly Conspiracy Theorist


Can someone please tell me why I seem to be the magnet for the compos mentis-challenged?

So I go to lunch with my BFF to our favorite local organic health-food store/deli. Eating there is très expensive but the food is so delish and such a feast for the palate that every two weeks we treat ourselves. I look forward to these little jaunts - to get away for an hour or so to nourish the body with good food and relax and laugh and enjoy the simple pleasures of life.

I order my food and sit down to wait for my BFF to join. She makes eye contact with the man sitting one seat away from me and smiles and says hello.

*sigh* Why did she do that? Here we go.

I close my eyes and wait for the shoe to drop. I don’t have such a good track record when it comes to meeting strangers or befriending them. For some reason they always seem to have a bit of a problem in the psychological/mental areas of their lives. And so I’ve learned to walk the highway of life with blinders on, minding my own business, doing my own thing and so far so good. Anytime I venture forth and decide I’m going to charm my way into a circle of friendship, well, I tend to meet those that have been given a free day pass out of their mental institutions.

And this guy was no exception.

And he begins his one-man show by informing me that my sparkling water is nothing less than tap water. And I paid for it. "Yes, I know," I respond, "but I wanted some fizz." Is that alright with you is what I felt like adding.

But didn't.

Well, that fizz must've gone straight to my head and blacked me out cause next thing I know I'm smack in the middle of a conversation of why the H1N1 vaccine is the government’s way of depopulating the human race. “If you have kids don’t let them get the vaccine cause it'll kill 'em. Tell them you don't want to vaccinate your child based on religious grounds. You have to protect them or they’re going to die. The government is trying to get rid of us. One minute you're robust with health, the next you're either very sick or dead." I look for my friend and ponder saving the government the trouble of exterminating her and just do it myself.

The conversation then segues into pop culture and how he hates Lady Caca and he doesn’t get it. Maybe it’s because it’s Lady Gaga for starters, I don’t know, just throwing it out there. I just nod my head, continue eating, saying as little possible trying to bring this conversation to an end, no such luck. He informs me that that's why this generation is so stupid because all they do is listen to Lady Caca on MTV and so their intelligence quotient has already dropped about 20% because of this.

Just for the hell of it I ask him if he likes Eminem because I believe his new album should have been named Tourette's instead of Recovery because it's just one curse word after another and you couldn't recover one single profanity-free verse in all of those tracks if you tried. But then again, I add, if his point was to recover some non-curse words out of his Tourette's fits of anger and hate, then yeah, maybe the title of his new album was apropos.

"Huh?" Good. I had short-circuited his brain. My job was done. Now maybe he'd finally shut up and leave me alone.

Oh, but tsk, tsk, tsk, silly girl, how very naive you are. He continues, “And I don’t like Elvis either.” Dammit, he fucking engaged me, “You don’t like Elvis?”

He laughs, “No! Him and that hunka, hunka whatever.”

I roll my eyes. Idiot. What does he know. Elvis baby was definitely one hunka, hunka burning love, him with his orgasmic gyrations, pre-michelin period, of course.

“So what kind of music do you like,” I had to ask. Just had to.

“Heavy metal.”


“Yeah, but about 90% of the heavy metal out there is really bad and it’s that 10% that you have to find that is really good.”

Good. Then can someone give me a really good piece of heavy metal to knock this guy out?

Then the conversation segues back to me and whether I have children. Finally I had to tell him thinking maybe this would stop his verbal marathon, “I no longer have children at home. My kid’s 31.”

He looked at me like he had just hit a wall, “Huh? Wait, you’re 31, is that what you said?”

“No, my kid’s 31.”

“No way! When did you have her? Were you 12 or something?”

I couldn’t resist, “Actually 11.”

He laughs at my snarky reply and tells me I must have great genes and starts naming some countries where I could be from. And it appeared he didn't plan to stop until he hit a country. So to finally put an end to it I inform him I'm a mutt and come from both English and Spanish blood. And there he goes..... “No way! I find English people so smart! They’re like 20% smarter!” There goes that 20% again.

“Really?” I say. “Then I owe that extra 20% of my brain power to my English genes then, huh?”

And before he could go off on another tangent my soon-to-be-dead BFF returns and my face tells it all; she finesses the conversation away from our friendly, local conspiracy theorist with such ease that it was something that this 20 percentile intelligent EngSpa couldn’t do in the five minutes she was held hostage by the barrage of disconnected thoughts.


Moral of the story: Do not befriend, especially if you’re lacking in that 20%.

For Write on Edge


Nancy C said...

Wow. Great fodder, if nothing else.

Where do I start? Perhaps by an injection of Lady Caca to clear my head.

I find myself an idiot magnet as well. You're not alone.

Anonymous said...

I would not have been able to sit through that. Don't you hate those stretches of time that feel like years but in reality are only minutes?

R.S. Bohn said...

I couldn't stop reading this if I'd wanted to. I think you and I must share 20% of a special ability to attract really strange strangers.

That whole paragraph about befriending strangers and how they've always got some sort of psychological issue -- yes. YES. My jaw dropped. I am so with you there, sister.

Great work here.

Gail said...

Enjoyed this...there are over 20% in every crowd!

ThomG said...

Such the enjoyable read. I think my love for slice-of-life situations just went up 20 percent, because this was just that good.

Clarissa Draper said...

My brother-in-law is a conspiracy theorist and they all have one trait in common: They MUST ALWAYS tell us their theories.

I have my theories but I keep them to myself... or, I write about them. Next time, tell your BFF to shut up. That way the conversation doesn't start in the first place. ;)

I like Lady Gaga and would even if her name was Lady Caca.

Great and funny post.


meno said...

THIS is why i ignore strangers as if they did not exist.

Although it was funny. For me.

b said...

Oh just do this stuff to make us laugh! We're on to you. I am sorry that you had to endure this very annoying person but boy did this make a good story. Thank you!


C.M. Jackson said...

he had know idea what he was in for---thanks for the smiles!!

Midwestern Mama Holly said...

Sounds like you and I have the same kind of internal magnet. I always seem to collect the nutbags... which is why when strangers start approaching me I instantly break into my routine of arguing with my invisible friend. Scares them off 99% of the time. For the 1% that actually can see my "friend" I just leave them there talking to themselves.

Dreamer said...

Oh my! Why do some people find it so easy to be rude? Your ripostes were classic, though! :D

Lori Skoog said...

It gave you something to write about, but I would have had to excuse myself.

It sounds like it was a nice place to go for lunch. Did he give you a chance to eat?

Hope all is well. Have you heard from the Coyote?

TaraDharma said...

It's times like this where wearing an amulet around your neck would come in handy. You point to it, then point to your mouth, signifying you are practicing silence. Then when your friend shows up and you start gibbering away, you look over and shrug your shoulders with a slightly guilty smile. Only slightly. Very subtle like.

Lady Caca - I love it! Obviously has his finger upon the pop music pulse.

Angela said...

Oh honey, I'm so sorry you had to sit through ALL of that. It makes you wonder what kind of medication people are on sometimes.

Anyhow, this line: "Good. Then can someone give me a really good piece of heavy metal to knock this guy out?" I about choked because I was laughing so hard. Although I hate to hear you going through so much, your delivery is fantastic! ;)

Judie said...

OMG! I KNOW that guy!! You don't ever have to worry about him bothering you again.

He pulled that "English" stuff on me,too! I shot him with a .22 Derringer that I started carrying ever since Arizona voted that carrying concealed weapons was fine by them.

Whew! You are safe now.

Rose - The Center of My Self said...

Bwwwaaahahahahahah! Oh, yeah, that part about the heavy metal made me laugh out loud. Funny thing is, those types all feel that they are experts and must regale us with their "facts" and figures. Sounds like that would've been a good time to fold your hands, bow your head in prayer and let him know that you were going to pray before your meal and would he please excuse you. Sends 'em away without you having to go to a mean place. :-)

Clyde said...

And you couldn't have waded in with a "So why do you think your mother didn't love you"---or "Gee, those aliens and their probes" ?
You have to encourage them

Stephanie said...

Oh my God, Rebecca! I have SOOO been where you were. ...almost exactly, having lived in Boulder for so many years. I do the same thing as you: do not fully befriend unless considerable time and circumstance has proven the other to be of reasonably sound mind.

You must have been exhausted after that little exchange. Be mindful of the timing of your next visit to that particular place. He'll likely be waiting w/bells on to engage in more witty reparte w/his newfound buddy.

Brad Jaeger said...

(I hate Elvis too)

ds said...

Ha ha!! (I don't care for that particular Lady singer, either: Lady CaCa she will be from now on) Hope your BFF is still alive...

Sara Louise said...

Oh what a horrible encounter! I think at the tap water comment I would have left, and then killed my BFF

thepsychobabble said...

Oh what fun, when the nutters come out to play!
Not really, I feel for you.

Crazee Lady said...

Love it. I thought I was the only one that attracted the truly mentally unstable when out and about. I can one-up you though. I have two...yes him. People I must interact with regularly. Isn't that fun?